I guess I will never get over my sinfulness. My ego won’t allow me to. It’s a function of my fallen nature that finds it hard to believe that I’m not better than I actually am. I don’t know why. I have been frequent sinner ever since I can remember.
If you know me personally, you know I’m not exaggerating or being unfairly self deprecating. I struggle. I seriously struggle at so many levels I’m at a lost to think of one area of morality I haven’t breached in the past or in recent days. Murder. I haven’t killed anyone yet. Unless you go with the 1 John 3:15 definition that equates hatred with murder. I don’t think I’ve hated anyone, but perhaps I’ve forgotten.
Don’t get me wrong, due to the persevering presence of the Holy Spirit in my heart progress has been made in my sanctification. I just think I should be further along by now. I’m sure it is due to a lack of discipline, commitment and diligence on my part. No lack on the Holy Spirit’s part, of course.
I’ve contemplated if God chose me to display His incredible long suffering love and mercy so that others would have a visible example and truly see the unfathomable depth of His grace. It is all so mysterious.
Succumbing to the seemingly petty transgressions are so disheartening. You’d like to think that you have moved beyond immature impulses and responses and the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control are operational on a pretty consistent basis. How can I expect to do great things for God if I keep on tripping on the little stuff.
Last week at work was a classic example. It was our monthly staff meeting. Our boss graciously provides lunch for everyone which is ordered and picked up to enjoyed at our office prior to the meeting. The particular vendor we used that day had placed our lunches in separate bags with our names on them. I had uncharacteristically ordered a seasonal sandwich instead of my usual. When I opened my bag I noticed two things; my sandwich was a disappointment, not at all what I had anticipated in volume or ingredients, but there were two, plus a little cup of soup. On the heel of that another discovery was made. Our advertising guy walked in for our meeting. He had NO lunch. And in a split second I decided I would NOT share my extra food with him. Seriously??? Seriously!!!! I sat there and ate every bite. How could I? I call myself a Christian. We are supposed to be recognized by our love for others. I taught my kids to share when they were two years old. And here I was hoarding food selfishly. It’s enough to make me doubt my own salvation. Except for one thing.
All night long as I tossed and turned (probably from eating too much) I would awaken and Jesus would speak to me of sin and selfishness. He talked to me about gluttony and how the enemy wants to take something good like eating and turn it into an obsession or uncontrollable desire. I woke up incredibly convicted of my greedy behavior and ungodly example to those I work with. I knew I had to confess to Jesus and to my friends. In the midst of my text confession to my friends God spoke and showed me more about less.
MY TEXT TO MY FRIENDS
Just want to apologize for being a horrible example to you girls yesterday. Don’t laugh… I’m being serious. I’m suppose to be an example of Jesus’ love & unselfishness, if not, I should not be leading our Bible Study. Yesterday at staff lunch there was extra food in my bag and there was BOB who had no lunch. Obviously, this was an opportunity to demonstrate the character of Christ in me to Bob and I failed. I looked at my little turkey pita whatever and decided it was not enough and I wanted MORE. Kinda like Eve’s sin in the garden, God said that she could eat from any tree in the garden, but one. She wanted more, she wanted THAT one. And just like, Eve, I got more than I bargained for. I felt crabby, stingy and too full. I looked at my belly last night & saw the result of “more” and it wasn’t pretty. Most of all, I felt out of sync with my Savior. You may think I’m making too much out of “more”, but I’ve learned one thing over the years- sin separates & destroys, no matter how big or little. Praise God for 1John 1:9- if we confess, he will forgive!
Sorry for the long text! Love you guys!
PS- after I texted you I opened up my Bible app to read my daily devotional and the verse of the day was- Psalm 34:8- “Taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.” Don’t tell me, God doesn’t care about every detail in our lives and speaks to us regarding them. (Always through His Word, but He speaks). Happy Thursday!😊😍😘